Protest is futile ... -- #4869
The other day I spent over $150 dollars on stuff for my teeth. New electric toothbrush, whitening strips, fancy-pants mouthwash, water pick -- the whole menage of selfish products designed to give your choppers the high pro glow. I'm excited to brush now. This is actually good news, considering that whatever dreams I manage to have settle into the topics of:
1) Rats
2) Snakes
3) Teeth falling out
I have terrible oral hygiene, and haven't seen a dentist since eighteen ickity whatever. It's not that I'm scared of dentists, I just don't go. They carve up your gums with a pirate's claw and make you feel as if you've been rinsing your mouth with some combination of boric acid and labrador poop. Worse still, every dentist hires insanely attractive assistants whose sole job is to lean over top of you with their breasts askew and ask you dumb questions while you're loopy on gas and have $1500 dollars of sterling silver in your mouth.
Her: So what do you do for a living?
Me: MRRGRRRHRRPHHPHPH
Her: Really? My cousin in a lawyer. He works in real estate.
Me: GRGROGHPRRRPHHGHGHGHGHGHHHHH
After about two minutes you're left feeling so vulnerable that your confessing to date rapes and admitting that the movie Juno makes you cry. Worse still, this attractive woman has seen you laid threadbare in the one vital area that we treat purely cosmetically. I routinely shove dead animals into my mouth and expect that thirty seconds of swabbing my enamel with some flaccid bristles will correct the fact that the spaces between my teeth have more in common with my garbage pail than I care to admit. Seriously, has anyone successfully hit on a dental hygienist: you're a drooling mess, your mouth is exposed as a cradle of filth, and you're higher than a kite. But I digress.
Anyway, the point I wanted to make is that I spent $150 dollars to make my teeth white -- AND THIS IS LITERALLY THE MOST EXCITING THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME IN WEEKS!!!!!!! I'm devastatingly handsome, I have the most interesting job on the planet, my Guitar Hero skills are unsurpassed, and yet I'm blogging on a Saturday night about my new toothbrush. This sucks. I need a girlfriend.
I Have To Pee
There is always something there to remind me -- #467
I miss my blog. I just want to hug it and tell it that everything is going to be a'right.
Unfortunately I'm in no position to update (i.e., drunk). But I do think about this blog, from time to time. I'm going to try to fill this space with more of the awesome stories that no one seems to love. Just because. Like the Janes Addiction song.
How about this kernel of wisdom: Ever notice that when you eat buffalo chicken wings, your pee smells rancid? How come Andy Rooney never addresses this? And why do they call it taking a dump instead of leaving a dump? /Beavis
Sexy romance coming, I swear.
I miss my blog. I just want to hug it and tell it that everything is going to be a'right.
Unfortunately I'm in no position to update (i.e., drunk). But I do think about this blog, from time to time. I'm going to try to fill this space with more of the awesome stories that no one seems to love. Just because. Like the Janes Addiction song.
How about this kernel of wisdom: Ever notice that when you eat buffalo chicken wings, your pee smells rancid? How come Andy Rooney never addresses this? And why do they call it taking a dump instead of leaving a dump? /Beavis
Sexy romance coming, I swear.
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