Dear Penpal Hamid,
What's up, my brother from an Afghani mother? How's it hanging? Sorry to hear about your sister's heroin addiction. I wouldn't sweat it, though, because if the movie "Trainspotting" has taught me anything, it's that you don't need expensive treatment centers and medical supervision to beat a smack habit, just a few buckets, some cold soup, and pornography. I know pornography is strictly forbidden in your culture, but buckets and soup are available, right? I guess it also helps if you have other drugs to combat the effects of the current drugs, but goatherders can't be choosers, can they? Haha! Just kidding. Don't get all suicide bomber on me. Seriously. Don't do it.
Sorry also that I haven't written in a while, but some stuff happened to me that precluded my communication. First, I got sick. It started like a month ago when I got a touch of the dizzys, but it turns out that I had something slightly more serious called vestibular neuritis. It's an inflammation of the nerve that connects your ear to your brain, which results in your sense of balance being distorted and a general feeling that your standing on the deck of a rowboat during a cyclone. It's been a bit of a nightmare for me. Remember that time that you and your cousin Uzma were playing in the field and that landmine went off and you lost your hearing? It's like that, only less permanent and grossly disfiguring.
I also got distracted by the Major League Baseball playoffs, which are technically still going on but are less interesting now that my Yankees have been eliminated. It was totally tragic. First, their lights-out volcanic reliever Joba Chamberlain suffered an 8th-inning meltdown after being swarmed by a legion of bugs. Fucking bugs. (Sorry to swear, but as a fan, it was completely necessary -- please ask Allah for my forgiveness.) Apparently the warm global climate combined with the general sewagey environment of Cleveland and formed the perfect storm for millions of tiny black midges to gather on the pitching mound and pester our rocket-armed reliever into giving up the tying run in a tight ballgame. It was the most ridiculous sports moment I have ever seen. He looked like that picture you sent me of your Uncle Nadar after the warlords got him, but with less rotting blisters and puffy decomposition.
And speaking of murderous warlords, the Yankees best player, Alex Rodriguez (also known as A-Rod), once again decided to play like a sick goat when the team needed him most. Worse yet, now he's a free agent and he can leave us for more money and play for someone else next year. Free agency is kind of a tough concept to explain. It's like when those clerics were trying to recruit you to blow yourself up in the middle of the village market. The one mosque promised eternal salvation and 52 virgins, while the other mosque promised salvation, 71 virgins, and eight pounds of rat-meat for your family -- you were testing the free agent market. Needless to say, Alex Rodriguez stands to make a lot of virgins and rat-meat next season, and he doesn't even have to blow himself up to do it. Unfortunately.
Silly me. Baseball? It's kind of like cricket, only less gay (which I know that you Muslims would know nothing about -- wink wink). You could probably play baseball in Afghanistan. All you really need is a rock and a stick, which I know you guys have plenty of because I saw footage of the Taliban trying to fight our military. Kidding! Please don't set any IEDs out when their convoy passes by your home. Seriously. It's demoralizing.
That pretty much sums up my month. But I wanted to write you and tell you what's been going on in America lately. First, the gossip. Remember the orange girl I told you about in my last letter? Lindsay Lohan?
She's out of rehab and doing great! Granted, most of her career is in shambles, her family is a dysfunctional nightmare, and she's all but set the Hollywood bar for promiscuity, drug/alcohol abuse and general stupidity (pornstars excluded). But look at those boobs! They could heal a war-torn country. Not your war-torn country, of course. You guys would probably cover her up with black drapes and stone her for harlotry or something.
In other news about the satan whores of America, our other national gem, Britney Spears, has been having a rough month. She flunked out of rehab and reportedly has been living off of Grey Goose vodka and Chunky Monkey smoothies. Then I guess she did something stupid at the MTV movie awards (MTV is a popular teenage shopping channel that sells mobile phones, fragrant body sprays, and clothing for prostitutes). I actually didn't see it -- if I wanted to see a fat woman warbling through awful songs, I'd starting hanging out at my local Regal Beagle on karaoke night again -- but I guess her performance was so bad that they threw her in jail and took her kids away from her. I dunno. American justice is kinda screwed up sometimes. You guys might cut off people's hands for stealing things or whatever, but at least you let someone chub-up a little without making a federal case out of it. I mean, theoretically. There's no way you guys could get fat, unless your bodies started to digest dirt like it was a starchy sugar.
That's pretty much all there is from me, except for one super-duper bonerrific thing that warrants noting: Halo muthafuckin' 3!!!!! Booooooo-yahhhhhhhhh!!!! I don't actually have it, but I've seen so many short films and screencaps from the game that my penis sprouts up whenever it gets mentioned. It looks friggin' awesome. From what I gather, you play this totally kick-ass American military guy that runs around shooting the shit out of these hairy brown monsters that have Neanderthal weapons and hate our freedom. It's fucking fantastic. I can't wait to buy this thing and blow these brown hairy fuckers straight to hell.
So how's everything going with you? By the way, no need to thank me, as an American taxpayer, for the condolence bucks. It's really no problem. I'm not saying that what the U.S. military did was wrong, considering you guys did 9/11 and all, but hopefully this money can go a long way toward repairing the tensions between our two countries. You could totally buy an Xbox with that money, or maybe pay to have your mother's gangrenous leg taken off.
Smell ya later, Hamid -- Not! You probably stink like a dying camel. Kidding! You're like the only Mideastern-type person that I'm not completely terrified of because you're thousands of miles away and dirt poor and wouldn't qualify for a visa because I might have sent your letters to the FBI and put you on a federal watch list. Again, kidding. Sort of. Stay safe, Hamid.
