Ten Awful Things About The Sopranos Ending That Have Nothing To Do With The Sopranos Ending
10. Journey Reunion Tour
They probably do this every year anyway, running the county fair and Six Flags circuit, but the new attention might trigger a stadium revival, perhaps even a new album entitled "Escape Again" or something similarly horrible. I'm not prepared to see an overweight Steve Perry shout "Does anyone here watch The Sopranos?" before belting into "Wheel in the Sky."
9. Bobby Iler, Serious Actor
Watching him morph from a flaming trainwreck into an inexplicably competent actor during the final mini-season was about as glaring as Brady Anderson's 50 home runs season. (Note: for anyone not a bajillion years old, Brady Anderson was a speedy leadoff hitter for the Baltimore Orioles in the 90s that quadrupled his power numbers one year and then was never heard from again.) Should someone run a urine test on AJ? I think so. Can't wait to see Bobby starring in "Fast and the Furious IV: Wantagh Spinout" coming straight to my Netflix queue.
8. Books Inspired by The Sopranos
I want to cry right now. Or go home and get my shinebox.
7. Big Pussy's North Jersey Bus Tour
"Over on your left is Satriale's delicatessen, where Chris Moltisanti and I cut up the body of Richie Aprile after Janice shot him in the face. Over on your right is the hotel that was run by the Hassidim, which we eventually turned into a whorehouse. Turning the corner we find the world famous Pizzaland, not actually used in any of the episodes but appearing in the credits. Quick side note: we wanted to use Pizzaland as the site for the scene where Christopher told Jon Favreau the story about the tranny getting her face burned off with acid, but we couldn't get the cameras inside without taking out the ovens. Returning to your right ..."
6. Conversations With My Mother
Conversations with my mother fall into one of three categories:
1) "I'm never having grandchildren so I might as well start knitting baby clothes for the dog."
2) "Your father is driving me crazy because ..."
and
3) "Did you see the last episode of The Sopranos?"
Now I'm down to two categories. Go fuck yourself, David Chase.
5. Inevitable Jamie-Lynn Sigler Playboy Pictorial
By awful I really really fucking awesome.
4. Ancillary Cast Members Appearing On Gameshows
What would be more depressing: seeing Paulie Walnuts on Matchgame 2011 or hearing the phrase "I'll take Artie Bucco to block." Doesn't matter. They're both going to happen someday.
3. The Sopranos: The Movie
Look, I don't think it's going to happen either. But ten years ago, if someone would have said to you that they were making a new Rocky movie AND a new Rambo movie, both of which featured Sly Stallone, a tub of steroids, and his AARP card -- you would have thought it was a Saturday Night Live skit. Do you really put that much stock into the future success of James Gandolfini that if someone drove a truck full of money to his house and handed him a script with a half-dozen scenes of a twenty-year-old stripper straddling him, you think his "actor's integrity" would make him say no? He'd unretire that bathrobe faster than you can say "stugatz." Meanwhile, how has Hollywood not made a Knight Rider movie yet. Oh wait.
2. Sunday Nights
Forget the fact that I now have to talk myself into "John From Cincinnati," in much the same way that I had to talk myself into "Six Feet Under" because it was the only way I could keep my ex-girlfriend awake beyond ten o'clock. Sooooo not good times. Anyway, in the immortal words of Joe Strummer, "Wudder we gonna do now?" If I actually had a job and worked in an office that had an actual watercooler and I had any actual intention of talking to some of my cretin coworkers, I'd be completely devastated. I haven't been this outraged by something I really don't care about since learning that Billy Crudup beat Ethan Hawke to win a Tony Award.
1. Parody of the Final Episode
You know what I'm taking about. Involved works that suddenly end right at the moment
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