Dear Penpal Hamid ...

Keep on rockin' in the free world ... -- #486


Dear Penpal Hamid,

Hi! Greetings from America! How's Afghanistan? Sorry to hear about your goat. And your mom. And your sister -- though I'm positive our military will find whoever raped her and bring them to justice. American justice, that is. Do you have courts and judges over there, or do you just throw rocks at the person until they confess? After which you throw bigger rocks at them. Haha! Kidding, kidding. Don't blow me up. Seriously.

Are you still working to bring a democratic government to your people? It sounds like dangerous work, but I'm sure it's going well. Anyway, I'm writing you because I just saw the most amazing thing on American television and I had to tell you about it. It's called Sunset Tan. It's a reality show about people that work in at a tanning salon in Hollywood, California. If you don't know, a tanning salon is a place where people go to burn their skin so they look like they've been out in the sun all day ... sorta like your people do, only without the dirt and body hair. But unlike Afghanis, these people are too busy buying expensive clothes and committing adultery to actually sit out in the sun, so they bake under high-powered lightbulbs and have high school dropouts spray paint on their naked bodies until they gain a healthy tint of orangy bronze. Check out this hottie:


Rrrraaarrrr. That's Lindsay Lohan. She's one of our national treasures. She stars in a bunch of movies that no one has actually seen, unless you count the Youtube videos of her flashing her vagina when she exits limousines. So glamorous. Unfortunately she's in rehab right now. "Rehab" is where famous people go when they can't stand the pain of their pampered existence. I also think she ran over some people with her car. Poor Lindsay! Pray to Allah or whoever that she gets better.

I mention Lindsay because the first episode of Sunset Tan featured an eight-year-old girl and her overbearing mother whining through her botox-riddled cheek that her daughter was "too pale" for class photos and that she wanted her tanned "just like Lindsay Lohan." (Botox is a highly toxic substance that middle-aged women inject into their face to make them look attractive to men half their age -- thank Allah for burkas!) Anyway, they sprayed the little girl down with some Sherwin-Williams gold crest while she softly wept and, $1200 later, she looked like a human carrot. I know that $1200 seems like a lot, probably enough to feed you and your village for an entire year, but you can't argue with the results. This was one sexy looking eight-year-old girl.

Then came the celebrity portion of the show, featuring none other than the incredible Britney Spears. Britney is one of the most famous people in America. Back when she was a teenager she used to sing and dance in a way that made adult men want to have sexual intercourse with her (having intercourse with teenage women is illegal in this country, unless you're another teenager or a member of the clergy). Then she married a homeless guy and bore him two fat children. Just recently she divorced the homeless man and went on a prolonged bender. A "bender" is like what you people do with peyote, only rich Americans do it with Grey Goose and Percoset. You guys are the ones that are loco for peyote, right? Or am I getting my brown people mixed up again?

Anyway, after the bender, Britney went a little crazy and shaved her head. Supposedly she did it because a judge was threatening to steal her hair to see if she was consuming illegal drugs, which would have resulted in her losing custody of the fat children to the homeless man. Then she went into rehab with Lindsay Lohan, dried out for a few weeks, and now she's dancing semi-naked to her old songs in homosexual nightclubs. Trust me, all this would make complete sense if you were an American.

After they hosed down Britney with brown dye, some of the tan salon gang took the corporate Hummer on a housecall to another "celebrity" guest: Jessica Canseco. I had no idea who she was until they said she used to be married to baseball player Jose Canseco. (Baseball is a sport sort of like cricket, only without the effeminate undertones.) This is a picture of Jose, doing his best to catch a ball that eventually hit him in the head and went over the wall for a home run.


Jose is mostly famous for being a disgrace to sports and a well-publicized cheater, so claiming that you were once married to him is like ... well, I guess it's exactly what it sounds like. She was once married to Jose Canseco. She also claims to be a model, which in America means "probably got paid once to show her nipples." I shouldn't make complete fun of her, though, because she's very rich and lives in a huge mansion. She's like that drug warlord that you were telling me about in your last letter, the one that cut off most of the villagers' hands because he thought they were stealing his bread.

The rest of Sunset Tan featured a lot of people fighting with each other because they don't return each others phone calls. It's mostly American humor, I guess. There is one awesome thing that I need to mention though: The Olly Girls!



Boooiiinnngggg!!! That's a sound we make in America when we see pretty girls and get an erection.

These girls are totally hot. They call themselves The Olly Girls because one is named Molly and the other Holly, or something like that. I think Holly is the one without eyebrows. In the first episode of the show, they giggle a lot and play with their hair and unsuccessfully learn how to add. They're kind of like pornstars, only not as smart. Do you have pornography in Afghanistan? You should rent the movie Corruption. It's really great. I'm friends with the director.

Anyway, the manager of Sunset Tan sees a lot of potential in the Olly Girls, because they have big breasts that rich male customers would like to put their penises in between. I'm predicting big things for them ... in my pants. Hahahaha!!! I'm awesome.

This is a really great American show, Hamid. I hope someday you make enough money to buy a TV. And that your country lifts its ban on cable programming. Better yet, you should come to America. We have TVs everywhere. You would really love it. But if you do fly over, try not to steer the plane into any buildings. Just kidding. But seriously, don't do it.

Hope to hear back from you soon, Hamid. Give my best to what's left of your family. And try not to step on any landmines again.