things you can't unsee

Let the children lose it, let the children use it, let all the children boogie -- #69

A Running Diary of the 2007 AVN Awards

John Locke (not the one from "Lost") once wrote: "I attribute the little I know to my not having been ashamed to ask for information, and to my rule of conversing with all descriptions of men on those topics that form their own peculiar professions and pursuits." And that's why I decided to watch the AVN Awards on Playboy TV one afternoon.

AVN stand for Adult Video News, the premier media outlet for the adult entertainment industry. In other words, the AVN Awards are the porno Oscars. Every year the fine folks responsible for those delightful films that grace the shelves of rooms surreptitiously snuck into in the back of video stores get together with a few thousand other degenerates, perverts, freaks, geeks, pimps, ho’s, amputee midgets, circus clowns, pizza boys, cable installers, pipe fitters, chicks with dicks, scat fanciers, and gerbil enthusiasts — all to celebrate the latest high achievements of our basest form of culture. It’s basically televised Sodom. Available on pay-per-view.

So honestly, how could I resist. And how could I not provide a play-by-play account of the whole thing.

Before we begin, we’re forgoing the traditional time designations for each entry, as best employed by Bill Simmons, because when you’re under the siren spell of Sweet Lady Pornography, time has no meaning. I also don’t want to constantly remind everyone that I’m sitting alone watching pay-per-porn at 3:00 in the afternoon.

I’d also like to point out that my pants will be staying on throughout the entire ceremony. Why? Because I’m a professional. Let the carnality begin.


... AND WE'RE ON! Tonight’s ceremonies are being preceded by a half-hour red carpet show, hosted by Playboy/porn personalities Jesse Jane, Kirsten Price, and Daisy Marie. It’s an opportunity for the girls to ask the performers, “So who aren’t you wearing?” Thank you, remember to tip your servers. I’ll be here all week.

... Some highlights from the red carpet show:

• I’ve struggled for about five minutes to come up with an adjective to describe Jesse Jane and still have nothing. She’s a flyweight blonde with about 25 pounds of silicon in her chest, she’s jarringly enthusiastic about the porn business, and she couldn’t be more annoying if she was trying to sell me life insurance. My penis is really confused right now. It’s like he’s playing Scrabble against Noam Chomsky.

• Highest of high comedy is the male companions for some of the nominees. Every single one looks like James Hetfield during the first hour of "Some Kind of Monster," right down to the bad skin, weird facial hair, and hungover/possibly high expression. It's a hoot. If you’ve ever been amused by the look on a guy’s face while he follows his wife around shoe shopping, imagine trying to act supportive of your girlfriend during her bid to win the award for Best Double Penetration.

• Within ten minutes of watching this thing and being bored, um, stiff . . . I started to think that maybe this was a bad idea. And then Jesse announced how excited she was to see the cast of the movie “The Da Vinci Load.” Money well spent.

• Most awkward moment of the night came when Daisy Marie interviewed starlet Nautica Thorn and lamented that she hadn’t f**ked her yet, to which Nautica replied, “Yes, you did, about two years ago.” Wow. Palpable porn tension. Daisy quickly defused the situation by showing the viewers her lack of undergarments.

• I don’t quite get it, but apparently Vivid Video and Wicked Pictures are like the Crips and the Bloods of the porn industry. Things could get ugly tonight. Like The Source Awards, only I think with more saline and hair extensions.

... AND WELCOME to the beautiful Mandalay Bay Resort Center in Las Vegas, Nevada, for the 24^th Annual AVN awards! How far you have come, porn industry! It was only a few years ago that this thing was being held in the basement of a Best Western just outside Reno and everyone involved had to turn themselves into law enforcement officials the next morning for violating terms of their probation. Give yourselves a big round of applause!

... Porn purists will argue that the introduction of an adult entertainment mogul like Playboy signals the sad start of new era for pornography, a selling out of its underground values and rebellious sexual attitude in favor of mainstream acceptance and commercial interests. You hate to see something like this corrupted. It used to be all about the deviance and the sodomy.

... The show opens with a parade of strippers, hookers, and other random sluts costumed in leathery French maid outfits, schoolgirl uniforms, stewardess fatigues, sailor suits, and hot cops regalia. Every working girl in Vegas must be on the stage right now. Somewhere in a penthouse of the Tropicana, Artie Lange is lying on a bed, impatiently checking his watch.

... The broadcast has been edited to include only the major awards, which is rather disappointing because one of the comedic selling-points of the show was the literally hundreds of eclectic award categories they had, like Best Midget Interracial All-Tranny Strap-On Scene and Best Sexual Use of Food (Green Vegetables and Autumn Gourds Category). So if you’re curious as to who won for Best Foot Fetish Jizz Scene, you’ll just have to read about it in the New York Times like everyone else.

... Tonight’s celebrity presenters include: Gene Simmons! Dave Navarro! Bobby Slaton! Carrot Top! And that’s it. Yup, all the stars are out tonight for the AVN Awards.

... First Jenna Jameson sighting of the night, looking about as buff as Linda Hamilton in “T2.” With a multimillion dollar porn empire at her command, surrounded by her hulking Mexican boxer boyfriend and her porntourage of a half-dozen future starlets/assassins -- well, she’s basically a Bond villain at this point, isn’t she? I would not want to f**k with her tonight. She'll cut your head off like Lucy Lui.

... Porn names have gotten so stale in the 21st century. Every other starlet tonight is named either Cummings, Luv, or Lane. Where’s the creativity? If I were a female in the adult entertainment industry, my name would be Squirt McBooby or Jizzy Curtains.

... And for the record, even though I’ve done this joke a thousand times, my male porn name would be Holden Beaver.

... A member of the paparazzi jumps out to snap Jenna Jameson's photo. Jenna silently nods to one of the Club Jenna girls, who casually removes a pin from her hair and whips it into the photographer's jugular.

... The host for this magical evening is buzzcut comedian Jim Norton. George Clooney must have been their second choice. By my estimation, Norton is probably the fourth most famous person in the room, behind Gene Simmons, Jenna Jameson, and Carrot Top, and just ahead of Dustin Diamond. Don’t worry, America. President Bush raised the terror alert level for the evening. Sleep easy knowing our national treasures are safe.

... Jimmy goes into a five-minute bit about his new girlfriend’s bedroom proclivities, which remarkably makes uncomfortable a room full of people that tape each other having sex. They haven’t seen anyone bomb like this since Peter North started his own website.

... Co-hosting tonight is Jessica Drake. She has a classic pornstar look: peroxide hair, hard face covered by several inches of makeup, surgically repaired teeth, and enough silicon in her body to kill a pony. I like her. She’s a throwback to a simpler age, like 1986.

... If I were writing a porn script, I’d call it “The Throwback.” It would be about a pornstar with a classic look that does a lot of guys. I think that by typing that last sentence, I just got nominated for Best Original Script in the 2008 AVN Awards.

... First award of the night, Best Supporting Actress, goes to Asian starlet Katsumi, who promptly thanks the room in broken English for not giving her an award involving anal. Ladies and gentlemen, the 2007 AVN Awards!

... They also need to come up with a nickname for the award. I'm thinking something like "The Sploogie."

... Does Gene Simmons look at himself in the mirror before he leaves the house? His hairpiece just started growling at one of his co-presenters. And I’m also not a big fan of his “I’m too big to be here” attitude right now. This is a guy that once whored his band out to sell coffins. Let’s not invite him next year. You’re better than that, adult entertainment industry.

... The very petite Jenna Haze wins Best Oral Scene (along with like five dudes, including one named Arnold Schwartzenpecker). She thanks her boyfriend, who also doubles as her director. Awwww. This is either very sweet or downright horrifying.

... Unfortunately I can’t print any of Jenna’s acceptance speech without sounding like I have Tourette's, but let’s just say that she really really enjoys something that rhymes with “ducking clocks.” Really enjoys it. She’s mentioned it like four times now in the last ten seconds.

... Jenna gushes about her love for ducking clocks again and now I’m wondering if they incorporate the “wrap it up” music at this award show. Wouldn’t it have to be the bow-chicka-bow-bow guitar riff? I’m intrigued.

... After each award they show a thirty second clip of the fine work that earned the honor. It’s just like the Oscars, only instead of a clip of Helen Mirren in “The Queen,” it's Jenna Haze being beaten across the face with a half-dozen baguettes.

... That reminds me: who decides who gets these awards? Is there a porn academy out there? Would it be made up of former pornstars and porn directors? Do you think Christie Canyon gets a copy of “Spunk Guzzlers 8” in the mail along with a note saying “For your AVN consideration”?

... I was just perusing the AVN website to see who's in their Hall of Fame. Sadly, no stats. And I'm still a little confused as to how Andre Dawson got in.

... During breaks in the action, they show little comedic skits featuring male porn stars doing silly things. This one's for Anthony Hardwood’s Pornstar Bootcamp. Based on his accent, Anthony is from … well, I really don’t know. It could be anywhere. Italy? Germany? One of those sketchy eastern European countries responsible for the movie “Hostel”? I think “Hardwood” might be a Croatian name.

... Porn veteran Savanna Samson comes out looking like one of the chess pieces that Mel Brooks humped in “History of the World.” She’s joined by newcomer Sasha Grey, who’s been in the business for two months and yet has managed to do over 18,000 movies.

... Only two of the four winners of Best All-Girl Scene come on stage to accept their award. I think the other two are refusing their award to protest Alberto Gonzales' firing of U.S. Attorneys. Actually, one of those winners was the hyper-annoying Jesse Jane, so it’s probably a good thing. Besides, considering she’s been in porn for like three years, she probably has several million of these things already.

... All-Girl winner Sophia Santi is actually non-porn hot, which begs the timeless question: What drives a girl to work in porn? Is it the money? Is it the glamor? Is it the fame? Or is it a disturbing level of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of a close family friend or relative? I think it’s the glamor.

... Three possible transsexuals come out to present Best Couples Sex Scene, each introduced as being a “contract” girl. From what I can gather, being a contract girl means that you’re exclusive to a production company, sort of the way that Hollywood would work back in the early days. Not sure how I feel about this. Seems kind of seedy.

... OK, maybe “seedy” is a bit strong. After all, I am talking about an industry that makes millions of dollars manufacturing latex anuses of women for lonely men to ejaculate into.

... Porn veteran Janine and some surprisingly charming foreign dude win for Best Couple, which brings up an interesting celeb story that I’m depressed that I know. Janine used to be married to Jesse James of West Coast Choppers fame, and she was known as doing only girl-on-girl porn scenes. They’ve subsequently divorced. He swiftly married a botox-riddled Sandra Bullock, while she decided to start gang-humping men on film. In terms of post-divorce revenge, I’m calling this a draw.

... After showing the montage of hardcore sex clips that earned the award, the audience always responds with a polite golf clap. On a comedy scale from 1 to 10, this ranks about a 69.

... 69 -- giggle. I’m thirty three, by the way. Same age as Jesus when he died.

... The three trannys stay on stage to announce the winner of Best Male Performer. The camera cycles through hysterical glamour shots of male performers with names like John Strong, Justin Slayer, and Scott Nails. I have zero regrets about spending $9 dollars to watch this.

... Tommy Gunn, which is possibly a stage name, wins Best Male Performer. And unconscionably forgets to thank his penis. This is exactly like when Hilary Swank won Best Actress for “Boys Don’t Cry” and forgot to thank her husband Chad Lowe.

... However, Tommy does thank “the powers that let me do what I do.” In other words, he praised God for allowing him to get an erection on cue to have sex with women on film for money. I guess He does have a plan for everyone.

... Did I mention yet that the sun is out right now? And that I’m working on my fourth Guinness? And that I’m watching pornography?

... The Best Impression of a Buttplug Award goes to David Blaine wannabe Cris Angel. Seriously, what a douche. Not only is he a white guy wearing more jewelry than Mr. T, but he’s mentioned his ridiculous magic show about three times. I’m just glad that in about two weeks he’ll be waiting at his doctors office, looking for a little magic to make his hepatitis disappear.

... "They’re illusions, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money. Or cocaine! " I’m having wayyyyy too much fun right now.

... And the host Jessica Drake wins Best Actress. How rigged are these awards? Where’s the integrity? Frankly I expected a little more from the porn industry.

... Jessica is on the verge of tears. And I had a decent joke lined up right now involving the phrase “showing lots of spunk,” but let’s just let her enjoy the moment.

... Ron Jeremy is like the Jack Nicholson of these things. He sits in the front row, absorbs a third of the jokes, and he’s probably slept with about 80% of the room. Can’t we just get him his own line of Nicholson porn movies? “Sleezy Rider.” “One Blew Over the Cuckoos Nest.” “As Good As It Wets.” I could do this all day.

... Another semi-celeb sighting, as rock star Dave Navarro shows up solely to piss ex-wife Carmen Electra off. Am I the only one who remembers Dave’s early career as a dreadlocked nerd in Jane’s Addiction? Now he’s the top of the feeding chain for tonight’s post-show festivities. And I live in a basement apartment, playing his songs on Guitar Hero. Excuse me while I go chew my wrists open.

... Randy Spears wins Best Film Actor for his sturdy work in “Manhunters.” There’s a running theme tonight where most of the male performers have lost their voice for some reason. I think collectively they decided to scream “I get paid to have sex with hot women!” on the roof of the casino before the show.

... I’m not quite sure what’s going on right now, but apparently there’s some kind of porn dance number being staged, which I can only describe as a live-action version of the video game Megaman. Only Megaman is wearing a thong. And dry-humping the lamp from "Beauty and the Beast."

... Megaman just got the level where he fights the naked boss in a steel mask holding a dildo. They should just have announced to the room, “If anyone needs to hit the bathroom for a bump, now would be a good time.”

... Shane Diesel, known to the porn crowd as “Blackzilla,” comes out with starlets Flower Tucci and Cassidy. Flower is wearing a ballroom gown with the seat removed, while poor Cassidy would clearly not pass a drug test. If you watch the segment where all this unfolds, I’m pretty sure you can attain a state of nirvana.

... Belladonna, who I remember from her MTV special “True Life: I’m in a Gang Bang!” is up for like her twelfth award of the night (Best Actress Film), only you just know she isn’t going to win. She’s like the Kate Winslet of these things. She should try to figure out how to squirt her orgasm. Come to think of it, they both should.

... And Hillary Scott upsets Missy Monroe (star of “The Da Vinci Load”) to win Best Actress! I have no idea why I’m screaming right now!

... Hilly is wearing a pink see-through … well, I guess that’s a dress. I mean, it’s a piece of cloth stuck on her body, so I guess we can call it a dress. “Hilly” is a cute little nickname I made up for her just now. In case she wants to call me.

... Cassidy just provided the unequivocal highlight of the night, slurring and stumbling through her introduction to Best All-Sex Release (whatever that is) while simultaneously falling out of her top. Do you know these girls have sex on film for money? I had no idea.

... After we shoot “The Throwback,” my next film is going to be called “The Interventionist.” It’s about a pornstar that self-destructs on stage at the AVN Awards and needs an intervention. A sexy intervention. Starring Holden Beaver and Jizzy Curtains. I'm drunk right now, by the way.

... I’m still a little distracted by Cassidy’s Courtney Love impression, but suddenly a cute and pleasant blonde is thanking the crowd for her award in something disturbing called “Blacklight Beauties.” I really don’t want to know. She’s joined by a guy that I think we've all seen: the edgy video store clerk that sneers at all your rentals. I hate that guy. Dark nerd glasses like Rivers Cuomo. Wears Converse sneakers and a dark dress shirt buttoned to his neck. Loves Japanese anime and hates Quentin Tarantino. You just know he got his ass kicked every day in junior high school. Now he’s an award-winning porn director. Take that, lunch money thieves!

... FYI: every single porn producer looks exactly like Jim Dolan.

... Norton introduces unfunny comedian Bobby Slaton, who apparently has hosted this thing three times before, thus making him the Johnny Carson of the porn industry. By the way, if I were ever invited to the Playboy Mansion (it could happen), the odds of me running into certain celebrities at any given time are: Ben Roethlisberger (2:1), Joe Rogan (3:1), Bobby Slaton (5:1), Owen Wilson (3:1) . . .

... It’s a very tight field for the award for Female Performer of the Year. Figuratively, not literally. Remind me to take a shower after I finish watching this.

... And Hillary Scott wins again! What a magical night for her. Watching Hilly stroll to the stage in a sheer pink shower-curtain one can only hark back to a young Grace Kelly enchanting the nation with her feminine poise and delicate smile. Hillary demurely bows her head as they show clips from her movie, “Blonde, Dumb, and Full of Cum.” Her parents must be so proud.

... Big moment right now, Best Film, with the favorite figuring to be “The Provocateur,” the directorial debut of porn kingpin Jenna Jameson. And “Manhunters” wins in a shocking upset! The winning director smiles on-stage to ponder the magnitude of his achievement while Jenna silently closes her fist and reduces a set of dice into crumbling dust.

... Jessica Drake introduces the night’s musical entertainment, Guns and Roses cover band Buckcherry, as performing their “Grammy nominated hit ‘Crazy Bitch.’” That’s not possible, is it? I’m checking this out on Google. I would hate to see the 2007 AVN Awards marred by a factual error.

... Wow. In Bono-like fashion, as the guitar solo winds down, the lead singer of Buckcherry monologs to the crowd, “Do you know what the difference is between a regular chick and a crazy bitch?” It’s like the mystery of the sphinx. The answer, of course, involves how readily the girl accepts his disease-riddled seed on her face. Charming.

... Again, wow. You simply cannot fathom what a raging jag-off the lead singer of Buckcherry is. And I’m making that comment as the camera pans across an auditorium filled with grossly overweight men with fake gold chains and bowling shirts. Now would be a perfect time to play one of those John Mellencamp “This Is Our Country” ads.

... How come they don’t have a segment during the show where they honor all the pornstars that have died over the past year?

... Big climax to the show, as they bring out first-ballot skank Kimberly Kane, J.D. from the Howard Stern Show (who?), and Carrot Top. With Carrot Top presenting the last award for Best Video Feature, surrounded by a coked-out pornstar and an acne-scarred masturbator, I can’t help but channel John Madden and think to myself, “This is what the AVN Awards are all about -- this right here.”

... Wearing something from the East Tallahatchie Lot Lizard Collection, Kimberly Kane flips off the camera and then points out all the people in the audience that she's f**ked. Get to knitting some more baby clothes, Mom. Your first-born son is in love.

... Have you guys seen Carrot Top lately? I think he was bitten by a steroid-fueled zombie. Google a recent picture. I’ll wait. Would you let children anywhere near him right now? Heck, would you let adults near him? He looks like a cross between a Todd McFarlane character and something that would try to rape you in space prison.

... And the Sploogie goes to ... “Corruption,” starring Hillary Scott. 'Atta girl, Hilly! And somewhere I have a joke about how she's going to carry all her trophies home, but this her night.

... Whew! And as an overweight, profusely sweating version of Glenn Frey with a goatee shakes like a meth addict while shouting glorious obscenities at the Mandalay crowd, I think it is time to bid adieu to the wonderful world of pornography. [Wipes tear from eye, points finger at TV screen.] Stay classy, porn industry! We’ll see you next year!

The Da Vinci Load -- heh heh.