Last night my vegan friend whipped me up what looked like scrambled eggs and sausages from some ancient vegan secret recipe or something. I like to make fun of vegans. Because they don't eat meat. Admittedly, this is pretty dumb.
Anyway, my friend was absolutely delighted that I was enjoying the vegan food, even though I kept tempering my enthusiasm by mentioning "You know I'm pretty drunk right now?" I would have eaten a used Maxi-pad if she told me that it was a burrito covered in barbecue sauce. Anyway, the meat stuff that she was using is called seitan, which I had never heard of because I eat cows and chickens and pigs and goats and lobsters and pretty much anything else that is living that I can assert dominance over. By eating it. As an added bonus, seitan also sounds like you're saying "Satan", which means that you can endlessly amuse yourself by saying things like "I'm eating Satan right now" and "Satan is in my belly" and "Satan is a healthy alternative when you're drunk and hungry."
She also has an environmentally friendly toothbrush. This little thing:
It looks like a regular toothbrush, only it coats your teeth with an extra level of self-righteousness. I kid, Earth lovers. Keep fighting the green fight. Someday your hippy utopia of petruli skies and streets lined with granola will come true.
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