9:00 P.M. to 10:00 P.M.

How old are you?
Are you old enough?
Should you be in here watching that? -- #1257

The following takes place between 9:00 p.m. and 10:00 p.m.

Jack Bauer: Bill, it’s Jack. I’m at the staging area. What’s the latest intel look like?

Bill Buchanan: It’s not good, Jack. Here at CTU we have a possible leak within the agency because we don’t know how to conduct a proper background check. Morris’ drinking problem has flared up and he had to be relieved of his station because he, um, relieved himself at his station. And Ricky Schroeder is here for some reason. We don’t know what to do with him, Jack. His bad skin is starting to creep everyone out.

Jack: Dammit! Have Milo open up some channels and sockets.

Bill: Jack, Milo and Nadia are busy having sex in the copy room.

Jack: Dammit! What’s going on with Washington?

Bill: It’s not good, Jack. There was another internal conspiracy in the government that resulted in an assassination attempt on President Palmer. And former President Whatshisname is dead, stabbed in the neck by his psycho ex-wife. That could be two assassinated presidents within the course of a few hours. Powers Boothe wants to start a nuclear war. Oh, and we’ve had two nuclear devices go off in California today. Sean Hannity is killing us right now. I can’t even imagine what Stephen Colbert is going to say later.

Jack: Dammit! Is there anything else I should know about?

Bill: There is, Jack. You’re entire family is dead. Father, brother, maternal grandmother, paternal grandmother — all dead. And all your pets. And your vegetable garden was burned and the earth scorched. And all your ex-girlfriends are dead too, Jack. Jenny McCready? Your prom date in 11th grade? Killed by a mortar shell to her car two hours ago. Wendy Simmons, who once gave you a handjob at the ZBT house during spring rush? We found her head in a freezer at a terrorist safehouse in Pamona. Anyone who has ever touched your penis is dead, Jack.

Jack: Dammit! Dammit dammit!!

Bill: What is it, Jack? What’s wrong?

Jack: Dammit, we’ve run out of plot devices.

Bill: That’s not possible, Jack. There have to be more options.

Jack: Dammit, Bill, I just used a retarded kid to lure an international terrorist out of hiding. We don’t have any choices left.

Bill: Hear me out on this one, Jack. Why not have one of CTU interns watch the Russian so that he easily escapes, and in the process of tracking him down, you get caught, get mercilessly tortured until near death, and then you narrowly escape by chewing your own arm off and beating your captors with your own bloody limb.

Jack: Dammit, that won’t work, Bill. I’ll pass out from shock before I eat through my arm. We only have one play left here.

Bill: I understand, Jack. It’s your call.

Jack: Dammit! Put Chloe on.

Chloe: Jack, it’s Chloe. What can I do?

Jack: Dammit, Chloe, go get pregnant. We need to make sure that you’re with child when we expose you to radiation at the end of this season.

Chloe: What, Jack? I don’t understand.

Jack: Dammit, Chloe, don’t argue with me. We need you to give birth and your mutant super-baby to destroy Los Angeles or they won’t renew us for another year. Do you understand, Chloe? I will do whatever it takes to save this show for one more season! Do you understand!?

Chloe: OK, Jack. I understand.

Jack: Dammit!!!